Well bloggerland, I am back. I realize that I left everyone in the dark during my pregnancy. At the time, I worked such crazy hours, I didn't have time to do much of anything, let alone blog. During my pregnancy, I was a home health pediatric nurse. Everything was going smoothly, until the kid I worked full time was adopted. This happened right before my daughters birthday. 1 week to be exact! After that, I went into work overload. I worked as many hours as I could, at multiple houses. Right before my son was born, I was working about 80+ hours a WEEK. My water actually broke at work, and I drove from harker heights to Temple to go to the hospital. Long story short, my beautiful heaven sent son was born September 4, 2012 at 4:32 am. That was one of the best days of my life.... until about an hour after he was born. I ended up losing my uterus and having an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. That day changed me. I died a little inside. It took a really long time for me to come to terms with what had happened. I became horribly depressed. I gained a ton of weight. I had to start going to counseling because I developed a hatred towards pregnant people. I knew I should be happy for them, and that I should be grateful for my 2 amazing kids, but I couldn't. I hated people that had what I could no longer have.
I started seeing a therapist and got put on some pretty high powered antidepressants. Up until recently, I had lost interest in all of my hobbies. I quit couponing *gasp!*, I stopped going to the gym, I stopped hanging out with friends, and I stopped blogging. During this dark period in my life, I really didn't want to do anything.
10 days after my son was born, I had to go back to work. You see, home health doesn't offer any maternity leave of any kind, So, every day I didn't work, I didn't make money. Thats really hard to do with a new baby. So, I put on my big girl panties, made sure my ugly stitches were always padded and covered, and went back to work. Only, this time I hated leaving for work. I hated driving to Killeen/Harker Heights and leaving my son. I didn't want to work 80+ hours anymore. So, I applied at the VA. I really wanted to work 3J Oncology. I figured it was a blessing, as I had always wanted to do Oncology, but when I had interviewed at S&W straight outta school, they wouldn't hire me due to my tubes not being tied. So, I tried to see the goodness in my hysterectomy. At first, I didn't get 3J. No interview or anything. However, I did interview for 3K, and was hired. So, I started orientation at the VA.
3 days into orientation, the nurse recruiter pulls me from the orientation classes and tells me 3J needs me, and asks if I want it. DUH!!! I believe was my response. I was so excited.
So, my 3J days began. The only downside to working there, is that I have to work 5 days a week. I feel like its home health all over again. I barely get time for anything.
Also during this time frame, I started going back to school. Talk about time consuming. I just finished my fall semester, and will be applying to TC for the bridge program on January 7. 17 days from now. (Not like Im counting though)
Going to school and working was probably the worst time of my life. However, being on 3J has been amazing. I met my soulmate BFF. I'm serious. We are exactly the same person in different bodies. We have the same sense of humor, we like the same things and we act like we were raised together. She has helped me get through my horrible depression more than she realizes. Its hard for me to imagine a time where I didn't have Angela in my life. I feel like I have known her forever.
I have made some pretty awesome friends from 3J. I am truly blessed to have met all of them. I didn't realize at the time how special they really were, and how they seem to have been put in my life for a reason. Alot of them have also had hysterectomies, and it caused us to bond. They all have made my acceptance to this horrible event much easier. Also, the girls I work with have helped me to get past my hatred towards pregnant people. There are a few girls that want children and can have them, and I cant be anything but happy for them. This is a huge step since this time last year.
So my year of 2013 has been spent on 3J. My daughter turned 8... and I bawled my eyes out. My son turned 1, and I bawled my eyes out. I turned 29. (we arent gonna say what I did that day. It was worse than bawling my eyes out.) My husband and I spent our 6th marriage anniversary together, and our 9 year anniversary of living together.
I am sitting here reflecting the year so far, and I really have so much to be thankful for. At the time, I didn't see everything I had going for me, I just focused on the bad.
I can't sit here and say this year has been totally bad. It was terrible on November 6th when my brother died, but that is still very fresh, so I don't really want to get into that. When I think about that, I go to a dark place. I have to take Ativan as needed to cope with that issue still to this day. So, we will skip over that for now.
So here it is, Christmas time, and my son is 15 months old. I have started to enjoy things again, and started couponing again. My best friend Angela keeps me in line and keeps my head straight. She gets me out and makes me interested in my life again. We are going to start working out together, so I'll get that back.
I also stated working on becoming debt free. This use to be very important to me, and once I hit my horrible depression state, I just gave up caring. I started charging everything again, and not caring about being late. I am snapping out of it now.
I started another 24 day challenge to lose this excess weight. I did so well the first time, then when Jack died, it went to hell. I care about myself again, so I want to be healthy again.
Healthy physically and financially.
Also, this year I am dedicating to being more involved with my husband and kids. They have tried to help me overcome this time, and I owe them for putting up with my neurotic behavior. I WILL make time for my family.
2014 is going to be my year. My marriage is going to kick ass. I will get into nursing school. I will get accepted into the Vaneep program and NOT have to work. I will get my debt paid off. I will lose weight and be more healthy. And, I will dedicate my extra time to family activities.
I'm back yall. And I am better than ever.
